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If you missed the earlier "Answerathon" thing, you can read about it here.

Welcome to the first-ever Mi Yodeya Joke-a-thon!

The goal here is to post as many funny jokes as possible and get your answers upvoted (i.e. a net +1). Once the contest starts, you must post every day1 and get an upvote within 24 hours of posting to remain in the contest.2 Once all but one person is knocked out, the contest is over!

What’s the prize for playing, you ask? Nothing.3

How do you play? All you have to do is find a question from this list and post an answer containing a joke that practitioners of Judaism, broadly speaking, will be particularly likely to get or enjoy. Nothing mean or inappropriate. Any remotely Jewish (or Mi Yodeya) connection is sufficient. If a post makes you smile, upvote it. Don't think hard about it. Just notice if you actually physically smiled, and if you did, you know what to do. (Hint: click the up arrow.) If you have no mouth, you are exempt. (See? That's a smile! Now upvote this post. Now. Don't think. Just click.)

On each day of the competition, someone will append a line to the accepted answer on this thread with the date on it. Once you’ve gotten an upvote on an answer, add your name to the end of that line with a link to your answer.

The competition will start immediately though due to lack of prior advertising [and the fundamental connection between the days of Rosh Chodesh] the first "day" will run for Thursday, Friday and Saturday UTC this week only.

This is a place for unstructured humor that doesn't fit into the normal Q&A of the PTIJ policy, but that you still want to share with fellow Yodeyans. Feel free to post funny things even after you've been eliminated.

Have fun!

1”Day” starting and ending at midnight UTC.

2Friday and Saturday are counted as one day, and, by extension, any answers posted on Friday get 48 hours rather than 24 to get an upvote.

3What’s the prize for winning, you ask? Still nothing.

This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim Torah policy.

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  • 3
    I bet I know why the downvoter doesn't have words to describe his vote. Lacking a mouth, anyone?
    – Double AA Mod
    Commented Mar 7, 2019 at 3:43
  • I suppose it’s only fair that once I steal your worst post contest you return the favor by stealing my Answerathon.
    – DonielF
    Commented Mar 7, 2019 at 3:45
  • 3
    @DonielF I'd been planning this well in advance of your brazen burglary.
    – Double AA Mod
    Commented Mar 7, 2019 at 3:46
  • 2
    I mean, it’s your opinion that שיחה גזולה is okay.
    – DonielF
    Commented Mar 7, 2019 at 3:54
  • And what qualifies a downvote
    – Dr. Shmuel
    Commented Mar 7, 2019 at 5:30
  • 1
    The joke list link appears broken
    – LN6595
    Commented Mar 7, 2019 at 17:12
  • @LN6595 it's working for me. It should list only this q. This is the only q to post your jokes on.
    – Double AA Mod
    Commented Mar 7, 2019 at 17:14
  • 2
    I would like to see the eye tracker records of at exactly what paragraph and line each of the upvoters broke the linear flow and darted up and to the left. I know when I did!
    – WAF
    Commented Mar 7, 2019 at 19:07
  • @Dr.Shmuel I don't know
    – Double AA Mod
    Commented Mar 7, 2019 at 22:28

28 Answers 28

Reset to default
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The competition is on! Once you’ve gotten an answer with the upvote, go ahead and add your name and the link to the list below.

DAY ONE: Rosh Chodesh Adar II (March 7-9)

DAY TWO: 3 Adar II (March 10)

18

On Rosh Hashana at my shul this year, the Chazzan accidentally skipped the beginning of Malchuyot, "Lo Aleinu"...

17

PRO TIP:

I sometimes make mistakes in shemona esrei, but I never have to repeat it, since I complete all of davening toch kedei dibur.

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  • 2
    Thank you, DoubleAA, for this outlet. I've had this joke in mind for years and never had the appropriate platform for it.
    – Isaac Moses Mod
    Commented Mar 7, 2019 at 22:20
  • 2
    OMG!!! A self-proclaimed speed-davener with an Olympic record to it. I think you deserve a chulent medal my friend!
    – DanF
    Commented Mar 7, 2019 at 22:27
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The story is told of the Rogatchover Rebbe, that a man approached him asking for his haskamah on a Sefer this man had recently written. The Rogatchover read through the book and told him that, rather than writing a Haskamah, he would give him a name for the Sefer: יין קפריסין.

The man was puzzled, and he asked the Rebbe about the meaning behind the name.

The Rogatchover responded: והלא מי רגלים יפין לה...

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  • 6
    Rogatchover Gaon perhaps
    – Dr. Shmuel
    Commented Mar 11, 2019 at 2:47
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בס״ד

בשבח והודאה להשי״ת מזמינים את מוקירי התורה ואוהביה

להשתתף בשמחת

הכנסת ספר תורה

בהשתתפות כ״ק הרב המגביה שליט״א

שתתקים בעז״ה ביום י״ד באדר ב׳

בשעטו״מ אחרי קה״ת ע״י מי שהוציאו

התהלוכה תצא בעז״ה מהשלחן

קהל שומרי השעון

ותגיע לארון הקודש בק״ק הנ״ל

ותנו כבוד לתורה

3
  • 1
    To give credit where it's due, the name I used for the synagogue (which is of course not the main point here, but I had to include something) is an old joke that I heard from my father and that, as far as I know, he made up.
    – msh210 Mod
    Commented Mar 11, 2019 at 4:48
  • 3
    You should consider adapting this into printed handouts.
    – Isaac Moses Mod
    Commented Mar 11, 2019 at 18:46
  • 2
    @IsaacMoses I hung one on my synagogue's notice board this morning (with permission).
    – msh210 Mod
    Commented Mar 15, 2019 at 8:11
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A Chasidishe Rebbe went to the doctor. The doctor took a test and returned with the results. He said to the Rebbe, "I regret to inform the Rebbe that he has a virus". The Rebbe responded "Avairis? I don't have any avairis! Just Mitzvis!"

10

What can you be Mattir and thereby have it become not Kosher?

A knot.

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  • 2
    I don't get it. Sounds more like a riddle than a joke.
    – DanF
    Commented Mar 7, 2019 at 22:22
10

Sofrim must always be careful not to use their special quill and ink to write notes in their day planners, or else they'd be immediately rendered invalid in accordance with the classical principle that סת"ם כלים אינם בני יומן

1
  • Actually סת״ם כלים שלנו אינם בני יומן. When a sofer has something to write in his planner, he shouldn't wait until the next day to write it.
    – msh210 Mod
    Commented Jul 8 at 9:31
9

Help!! I’ve overheard my parents talking about something called a bris that they’re going to give me next week, which is some sort of amputation. They talk about it as if I don’t understand, but I’m not stupid, after all, I wasn’t born yesterday!

8

Joshua 11:1:

ויהי כשמע יבין מלך חצור וישלח אל יובב מלך מדון ואל מלך שמרון ואל מלך אכשף

When Yabin, king of Chatzor, heard [of some of the Jews' battles], he sent to Yubeb, king of Madon, and to the king of Shimron and to the king of Achshaf, [inviting them to join him in battle against the Jews].

Sending to Yubeb was his first priority because he wanted to be able to say "I've got Yubeb". In fact, he was so insistent on sending the message to Yubeb that there was no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, and no river wide enough to keep him from getting to Yubeb.

8

I saw pictures of a chassidish wedding the other day, but they were all in black and white!

7

Prior to benching on Shabbos/ Yom Tov, my family's minhag is to omit the last word of "שִׁיר הַמַּעֲלוֹת."

Why, you ask?

Because that's what the text itself says!

נֹשֵׂא אֲלֻמֹּתָיו

no'say alumosav

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    You probably also have a hard time understanding the super secret paragraphs that you have to stop reading in the middle because they say אל תקרי
    – b a
    Commented Mar 8, 2019 at 1:29
7

Q: What bracha do you make when you receive something that you ordered on-line?

A: Birkat "A-ma-zon"

6

Reminder: Everyone remember to hear Maftir tomorrow and don't forget to hear Maftir tomorrow.

5

How do you know that Moshe wore a yarmulke?

Because it says וילך משה, “and Moshe went.” Can you imagine that he’d go out without a yarmulke?!

4
  • 2
    I’m aware that this is a terrible joke. That’s the entire point.
    – DonielF
    Commented Mar 8, 2019 at 3:41
  • 1
    Coulda sworn we had this joke on MY already, but I don't see it.
    – msh210 Mod
    Commented Mar 9, 2019 at 23:02
  • @msh210 Perhaps you were remembering this?
    – magicker72
    Commented Mar 11, 2019 at 12:08
  • @magicker72, likely; thanks
    – msh210 Mod
    Commented Mar 11, 2019 at 12:18
5

A poor Jewish man asked Hashem, "God, what does a million years feel like to you?" God replied, "I live outside the realm of time. To me a million years is no different from a second."

The man then asks, "Hashem, what does a million dollars mean to you." Hashem answered, "I am omnipotent. I have no need for money. A million dollars is nothing special to me."

The man then asked, "In that case, God, could you please give me a million dollars?" Hashem answered back, "Of course! Just give me a second."

1
  • 1
    Pretty sure it’s כי אלף שנה בעיניך כמו אתמול כי יעבור; if 1000 years for us is a day for Him, then a second for Him is only a few days for us. Oh, right, this is for jokes, not PTIJ.
    – DonielF
    Commented Mar 11, 2019 at 22:13
5

A waiter at a Jewish wedding goes to a table telling the people seated at the tables, "The Kallah is a zonah." (the bride is a prostitute.) Then the next table, too - "The kallah is a zonah". And so on, he says to each table as he passes them.

The mashgiach (kosher supervisor) runs and pulls him away. "Are you meshugeh? Why are you telling everyone, 'The kallah is a zonah'? I told you to tell everyone, "The challah is mezonos!"

4

One of my friend's rabbi told her that she doesn't have to clean her kitchen or sell her pots and pans for Pesach because none of her food would be fit to be eaten by a dog.

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  • 3
    I don't get it. Sounds more like my neighbor than a joke.
    – Double AA Mod
    Commented Mar 7, 2019 at 22:34
4

Why are bladder specialists so good at predicting the weather after eating fleishigs?

Because their meaty-urologists!

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  • 2
    “Post an answer containing a joke that practitioners of Judaism, broadly speaking, will be particularly likely to get or enjoy...Any remotely Jewish (or Mi Yodeya) connection is sufficient.” What’s Jewish about this?
    – DonielF
    Commented Mar 8, 2019 at 3:39
  • 1
    @DonielF ... fleishigs.
    – Y     e     z
    Commented Mar 8, 2019 at 3:55
  • 3
    @DonielF Sorry, I should be more clear. I didn't just mean the fact that I gratuitously used a Yiddish word. What I meant is, there is no concept of being "fleishig" or "meaty" outside of halacha. After a non-Jew eats meat, they don't consider themselves to be meaty. That is a purely halachic concept.
    – Y     e     z
    Commented Mar 8, 2019 at 4:29
  • 1
    because that's they can "meat" their colleagues at the watering hole.
    – DanF
    Commented Mar 8, 2019 at 19:59
4

One of my rabbeim in high school told us that Shacharit for Shabbat proves that the cholam should be pronounced "oy." Otherwise, the last phrase of the following doesn't rhyme with the others:

יִשמַח משֶׁה בְּמַתְּנַת חֶלְקו.‏
כִּי עֶבֶד נֶאֱמָן קָרָאתָ לּו.‏
כְּלִיל תִּפְאֶרֶת בְּראשׁו נָתַתָּ לּו.‏
בְּעָמְדו לְפָנֶיךָ עַל הַר סִינַי.‏

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  • 1
    On a serious note, the intended poetic structure is probably acrostic: ישמח משה בתנת חלקו כי עבד נאמן קראת לו / כליל תפארת בראשו נתת בעמדו לפניך על הר סיני / לוחות אבנים הוריד בידו וכתוב בהם שמירת שבת With three letters per stanza it thus makes sense that the fourth blessing of the amida has letters 10 11 12
    – Double AA Mod
    Commented Mar 10, 2019 at 19:10
4

Q: What's a good name for a "dying" shul. (I.e. - a shul that has mainly members age 65+ and hardly ever gets a minyan, etc.)?

A: Temple Alav Hashalom

4

Q: What would you call a breakfast event in shul where they learn the daily Gemarah page?

A: Daf Yummy

3

A very old one.... A maskil named Nochum is giving a speech and the hecklers are chanting ״ולא נחם״ So he turns around and yells, “דרך ארץ פלישתים!!!

ולא נחם אלוקים דרך ארץ פלישתים פרשת בשלח

3

Some ideas of sports for a Jewish Olympics:

  • Shacharacing (who can finish Shacharit fastest)
  • Hagbah lifting (judgiing based on techniques like the most columns showing, lift technique, proper "twisting", etc.)
  • Etrog juggling
  • 100-meter "Kid-dash" - the race from the shul to the shul Kiddush
  • 10-meter mikvah sky-dive
  • Synchronized shuckling
  • Shat"z-put (ousting a bad-sounding shat"z)
  • Titzit tying

(Feel free to add to the list)

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  • 4
    Peyos Curling and Hamanhead throwing
    – Dovid Wartelsky
    Commented Mar 11, 2019 at 0:25
  • 1
    Proposed edit to Shacharacing: the Davening Triathalon (who can finish all three minyanim the fastest)
    – DonielF
    Commented Mar 11, 2019 at 22:18
  • @DonielF Add it to the list, please. (It seems that this "contest" is fizzling.
    – DanF
    Commented Mar 12, 2019 at 15:37
2

This is really a question, hoping it belongs in this thread.

Just before bentching, my brother makes the following assertion quite loudly: “Rubber tires never break!” Then the family continues Birkas HaMazon, something about shame.

I went to the mechanic recently and he said I needed new tires. I am currently searching for the presumably Gaonic source for my brothers prayer.

2

Because we can't greet Caesar with "Peace!" on יום אידם (the Ides day), he doesn't get blessings and therefore should beware.

1

I'm the Ba'al Koreh (Torah reader) in my shul. Last Shavu'ot, a teenager was called for an aliyah. I hardly ever see this kid in my shul, so, unlike the regulars, I didn't know his name by heart.

I asked him what his name was so I could call him for the aliyah. He says, Pesach ben Avigdor.

I look at him and say, "Well, you showed up here 7 weeks too late."

0

My friend's wife is a lovely person, but a bit of a Yenta.

Once when I called my friend, I asked if I could speak to his wife. He said, "I don't think so. She has laryngitis."

I responded, "Gee. I'm not sure what to do first - wish Refu'ah Shleima or say Hatov Vehametiv!"

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